On this sacred day of Shavuot, let us reflect upon the profound bond between parents and their adult children. In yesterday’s reading of the Ten Commandments, we were reminded of the divine mandate to honour our father and mother. Today, as we immerse ourselves in the beautiful story of Ruth, let us explore the depths of this relationship and its timeless relevance. The Megillah portrays a remarkable example of the love and devotion shared between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, Naomi and Ruth. Their connection was so cherished that the neighbors proclaimed Ruth’s love for Naomi to be as abundant as that of ten sons. In this narrative, we witness not only the compassion and care exhibited by Naomi and Ruth, but also the blessings and joy that can be derived from such a harmonious relationship.
Yet, we must acknowledge that not all parent-child relationships are characterized by such serenity. An old Yiddish adage humorously suggests that the challenges faced in parenting shift from small problems with young children to more complex difficulties with adult children. Indeed, many rabbis who counsel families testify that the largest area of family counseling pertains to conflicts between parents and their adult children. These conflicts often arise from disappointments stemming from the choices made by children in their marriages, careers, lifestyles, and values.
However, it is crucial to remember that parents’ disappointment does not always stem from reasonable expectations. I recall a story of a father who harbored bitterness because his son chose a different career path abroad rather than joining the family business. In such instances, we can turn to the Torah’s foundational wisdom, which we find in the story of creation: “A man shall leave his father and mother.” This verse compels every parent to recognize the truth it holds. Even Abraham’s parents had to learn this lesson when their son shattered their idols, left their home and birthplace, and embarked on the divine journey that would give birth to the Jewish religion.
While parents are entitled to demand obedience, children also have the right to assert their independence. In my encounters with families, I have often encouraged adult children to listen respectfully to their parents’ words, considering them with care. Parents’ reasonable demands are more likely to be heeded when expressed with wisdom and love. However, if children choose not to act in accordance with their parents’ wishes, they should do so while preserving their parents’ dignity. The delicate balance lies in honoring parents while asserting independence.
Children often make choices that disappoint their parents. Some parents feel upset when their children marry outside the faith, go through divorce, deviate from religious observance, or adhere too strictly to it. Parents may even be disappointed if their children decide not to have children of their own. In such situations, what guidance can rabbis offer to parents navigating these challenges?
Firstly, we must recognize that the pain children can cause their parents, known as Tza’ar Giddul Banim, is not a new phenomenon. Throughout history, from the first Jewish family to subsequent generations, we find examples of parental distress over their children’s actions. Sarah was troubled by Ishmael’s upbringing, and Isaac and Rebecca were deeply upset when Esau married Hittite women. Even the Prophet Malachi prophesied about the tension that would persist between parents and children until the day of ultimate redemption.
It is important for parents to understand that their children’s choices are not a reflection of their own failures. As children transition into adulthood, they possess the freedom to make decisions while assuming responsibility for their consequences. During a Bar Mitzvah, the father recites a blessing that may surprise some, for it seemingly absolves the parent of punishment for the child’s transgressions. This blessing carries a powerful message: parents cannot be held accountable for every action their child takes. It affirms that children, from the time of their Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah, become increasingly responsible for their own lives.
Parents should express their disapproval of specific actions while maintaining unwavering love for their children as individuals. The foundation of this love must remain unconditional, separate from any disagreement with their child’s choices. The Torah guides us to respect our parents’ feelings, even if we are not obligated to obey their wishes. However, it often takes time for children to understand that their parents genuinely care for their well-being and desire what is best for them. In their pursuit of independence, children may not always listen.
Furthermore, parents need not compromise their own values when navigating their relationships with adult children. Children should not have the power to manipulate their parents into participating in actions that contradict their beliefs. An invitation to partake in an interfaith marriage serves as a clear example. Parents must hold firm to their principles and communicate respectfully, stating that certain behaviors conflict with their values.
Crucially, parents must maintain open lines of communication with their children, regardless of how far they may have strayed. Parents must never sever their connection, for there is always the potential for “Teshuva,” a return to the right path. We should never underestimate the possibility of redemption and renewal in the lives of our loved ones.
A Chasidic tale illustrates this point beautifully. A man sought advice from the Lubbavicher Rebbe regarding his son’s difficult and uncooperative behavior. The Rebbe’s response was simple yet profound: “Love him even more.” While we may not always agree with our children’s choices, our love for them must remain steadfast and unwavering.
In conclusion, let us recognize that the relationship between parents and adult children is complex and delicate. We must express our expectations and concerns while respecting the independence of our children. Our love for them must remain unconditional, and our communication lines should always remain open. Although disappointments may arise, we should separate our disapproval of their actions from our love for them as individuals. Through it all, we hold onto hope, knowing that redemption and return are always possible.
May Hashem bless our community, strengthening the bonds between parents and children and enveloping us all in an enduring peace.